Ted Botha

"[T]he [Central Intelligence] agency has named its new nonprofit venture In-Q-It, in a reference to Major Boothroyd, a.k.a. Q, the master technologist whose basement laboratory develops advanced gadgets for the fictional British super-agent."

-- The New York Times, September 1999

FROM: TENNIS MAN, HUMAN RESOURCES, IN-Q-IT

SUBJECT: JOB APPLICATION OF BRITISH AGENT MARTIN/HARRY/37/SERGEI/ETC.

Aliases: Martin Tisdale, Harry Pronto, Agent 37, Sergei Ossynayefsky, Shane "The Brute" Callahan, Trixie Youngblood.

Born: Madrid, 5 March, 1942.

Parents: John and Jane Smith, 'information officers' with British Embassy (for further details, contact Noise Level-1, M5).

Education: Junior school: Lisbon, Buenos Aires, Paraguay, Haiti (early Papa Doc years, met Ian Fleming), Macau. High school: Freetown, Liberia. University: Baghdad College for Interpreters. Postgraduate thesis: The Lack of Esteem for Backroom Inventors (with particular reference to Q Branch ).

Employment: SAS parachute stuffer (holiday job, 1959); worked as gardener for Ian Fleming on the Riviera (summer, 1960); driver for junior Chilean army officer (1964); caught crocodiles in the Australian Outback (backup for Indonesia, 1966-70); painted in Montmartre (surveillance, 1972-4); waited tables less than a mile from Checkpoint Charlie and, as a result, helped research book on the Stasi; short stint cooking for the Shah of Iran before harrowing escape by sea with harem (thus development of Trixie Youngblood); applied to join Toys for Younger Adults Corporation (known to you as The Opposition) 1959, 1964, 1968, 1972; accepted 1976.

Experience with The Opposition: Collected debris from objects that exploded during test programs (1976-1979); drove programmers to medical facility after they had been hit by bursting mannequins and faulty wristwatches (1979-1983); assistant inventor, Cigarette Case Division (1984); associate branch manager, Sofia, Bulgaria (1985-).

Innovations and ideas:
- Helped turn the rotating number plate from four-sided into five.
- The bank heist in the still-unmade Topkapi II .
- Pens that use invisible ink.
- Invisible pens that use real ink.
- Suggested the Trabant would be less conspicuous in the Eastern Bloc than an Aston Martin (shortly after which got transferred to Sofia).

Publications: Cyrillic Inventions (Sofia University Press, 1985, out of print).

References:
- Ian Fleming. (Innovative ways of dealing with rodents in his garden led him to talk of 'mole work,' and thus the beginning of its more common usage within agent circles.)
- General Augusto Pinochet (very nice chap when he had rank of major. How were we to know?)
- American guy drinking pisco sours at Bloody Mary Saloon in Saigon. (He told me his name, but I didn't believe him. Alger Hiss? Check June 1971 tapes for real identity.)
- Tailor of Panama.
- Graham Greene (see minor character on line 43, page 135, The Heart of the Matter ).
- Len Deighton (ditto, line 3, page 23, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy ).
- Desmond Llewellyn (actor who played Q; met on set of Casino Royale --would know me as Harry Pronto).

Secret documents on information technology that I can bring with me from The Opposition:

1) The olive mini-harddrive.
Ideal for use in martinis and at diplomatic cocktail parties. Can transmit intricate messages--contacts, codes, missions--and then be eaten afterward.

2) Manfred a.k.a. the Manipulable Face Recognition Database, which fits into a cigarette case (I worked on the case). Point it at someone, even a person in disguise, and immediately access records of world's secret service agencies. To get through plastic surgery, use Manfred's helper Vera - voice encoding replicator adducer.

3) Shoes with GPS system in heel. Able to receive transmissions up to five hundred feet below ground and through metal. Also gives altitude and temperature and, when connected to LCD 36-bit watch, directions to the nearest agent, safe house or good hotel.

4) Dashboard controls that lock into computer on enemy's dashboard. Options include Delete Heat Control, Insert Virus into Seatbelt Memory and Launch a Denial of Service against Steering Mechanism.

Personal inventions that I can bring with me on my defection:

1) A Trabant coupé.

Submitted to The New Yorker, but rejected with the standard rejection letter, although an editor had added something underneath. "We're sorry to say that this manuscript is not right for us, in spite of its evident merit. Unfortunately, we are receiving so many submissions that it is impossible for us to reply more specifically. We thank you for the chance to consider your work. The Editors"